Monsters—from the Id!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and nothing was quiet,
The last-minute shoppers at stores were a-riot,

(Yes, "a-riot" is a word. Don't argue.)

The traffic was booming with holiday bustle
As ride-share and cab drivers practiced their hustle,

(Gimme a break. I'm trying to rhyme here.)

I stared at the line for the checkout and thought,
Oh, geez, look what a corporate Christmas has wrought.

(I might not have used "wrought," but it sounds good. Right?)

Despite all my shopping online through the year,
I'm still stuck in old brick-and-mortar-land here.

(This is what I get for being slow on Cyber Monday.)

As I studied my shopping bag growing so fat
I thought I should buy fewer gifts for my cat.

(As if that would go over with my feline masters.)

A voice from the loudspeaker boomed out just then,
"Merry Christmas, y'all, and we're closing in ten!"

(I hate holiday hours. And really, "Merry Christmas" when you're telling your customers to get their asses out of your store?)

I panicked and looked at my phone with a glower;
I knew that damn line would take more than an hour.

(It might've been more "panic" than "glowering," but go with me on this.)

But as I despaired and gave up all my hopin'
What did I see but another lane open!

(Finding a good rhyme for "open" can be a pain in the ass.)

I ran to the register, fearing the worst,
For once, though, I lucked out and found myself first!

(Now that, folks, is a true holiday miracle.)

The cashier was dressed in a bright Santa suit,
And under the false beard, they looked kinda cute.

(I'm married, not dead.)

I blanched at the total. The clerk said, "Hang on,
I think I forgot to include your coupon."

(I'm particularly proud of that couplet. Don't ask why.)

They pulled out a card before I could scoff
And showed me a coupon for over half off!

(And how often does that happen, folks?)

They played with the keypad, looked up, and said, "Gee,
Between coupon and shopping club discount, it's free."

(It's a Christmas story. We need a happy ending, right?)

As the store and its crowd disappeared in my mirror,
I thought, "Maybe I'll still shop in person next year,"

(I had to end it somehow!)

Happy holidays!